skin the fox

ANDY SCHUB

Andrew Schub is our Newsletter Contributing Editor. He will be posting weekly stories on things Bush and Fox News you may not know about but should, may know about but do not know enough about, or may know about but dagnabbit you just need to know more.

THAT GUY CALLED MARK
by Adrew Schub

There is this guy I know -- let's call him "Mark." What I'd like to call him I won't say, because I'm really going to try saving that kind of language for when it really counts (like when I'm talking about that psychotic bitch Ann Coulter). So we'll call him "Mark," because that's actually the guy's name, and he's a dick, so...

Mark is what you would probably consider to be the stereotypical conservative loudmouthed jackass. Trust me, you know the type.

I am by now too smart to ever start up a political conversation with Mark, and I'm usually smart enough to avoid them even when Mark tries to start them. But occasionally he will say something so colossally stupid that I just can't keep myself from getting drawn into what eventually ends with me walking away so frustrated I could squeeze a lump of coal into a diamond with my bare hands.

At one point while I was reading Al Franken's, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right," Mark started to complain to me about how the book was nothing but crap.

"Have you read the book, Mark?" I asked.

"I wouldn't give that guy a dime of my money!" Mark replied.

Now, I don't care who you are or what has offended you; if you haven't read the book, seen the movie, or heard the song that you are bitching about, then do us all a favor and shut the hell up! Of course, that is exactly the kind of person Mark is, and I was stricken with a sudden, horrible idea.

"I'll tell you what, Mark," I said. "I will read whatever book you want me to read, even one written by Ann Coulter --"

"I have all her books!" he interjected.

"I knew you would, Mark," I continued. "I will read whatever book you want me to, from cover to cover, if you read the Franken book in return."

And I was completely sincere in this offer, because I knew that unlike Coulter (hey, that's the third time I've mentioned her without using the "C" word), Franken accurately documents his facts. I thought surely that if Mark would only see true facts, in black and white and completely sourced, he would no longer be able to ignore the truth.

I was fooling myself, of course, he wouldn't even consider reading Franken's book. He mumbled something about how Franken was still better than that "Michael Moore guy," and I walked away before my head exploded all over Mark's surprisingly kind wife.

The last time I saw Mark (I truly hope that it was the last time) he was blathering on about how the economy was better under the Bush Reich (although he probably calls it the "Bush Administration"). Not wanting to get into it with him, but being somewhat cornered by his growing beer gut, I asked him where he got his facts from.

He proudly stated there are only three news sources he trusts: FOX News, the Washington Times (or the Washington Post... whichever one is owned by "Reverend" Moon), and Rush Limbaugh.

And I was so shocked at the sheer stereotypical inanity of his answer that before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Are you kidding!? FOX is such a blatant mouthpiece the White House that no one takes them seriously!"

Mark replied (I kid you not), with all the sincerity of the truly stupid, "They are fair and balanced! They report, and we decide!"

It was then that I felt the vein inside my head threatening to burst, so I made my exit...

Why am I telling you about Mark? Because it helps to illustrate two points: 1) A person only knows as much about the real world as their news sources tell them, and 2) "Mainstream Media" blows. It blows hard, and it blows loud, and it blows long...

There have been some excellent books written on this subject, so I won't go into it here. But this does bring me to what my purpose is here.

What I want to do, week after week in this newsletter, is make sure you are aware of certain news stories that aren't getting enough -- or possibly any -- coverage in the "mainstream media" (MSM).

News stories about things that are important.

News stories the people in power don't want you to see (or at least that they don't want you to pay any attention to).

News stories about things that will effect your life a lot more directly than another televised trial of some (alleged) wife killer...

News stories that you really need to know about.

(Okay... occasionally I'll throw in a news story about something funny, or strange, or interesting, or maybe even uplifting -- just to keep the razor blade out of your hand... And mine.)

So, without further blah blah blah... Maestro? Hit it!

Andrew Schub

"People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling."
--Dr. Cox; "Scrubs"

* updated 01.15.05

Past News : read past news issues by Andy and guest contributors.